Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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