Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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