I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
