My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
