ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
