John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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