Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
