Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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