someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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