how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
