I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
