i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
