you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
