She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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