I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
