My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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