love makes seman taste better
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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