I could make wine with my vomit
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
