Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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