Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
