I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize