please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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