dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
