So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
