Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
