Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
