i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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