im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
