Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i out mim tonsoeep
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