so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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