it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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