I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
