Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
