Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
