Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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