I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize