I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize