Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
