ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
