Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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