it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
