so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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