No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
