I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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