why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
