I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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