I wish I only lived at night.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
