The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
how drunk are you?
Several
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize