I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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