I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
birth control should be required to get into college
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
