whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
