I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
