Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
