We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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