I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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