It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
