I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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