apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
