my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I did not marry a roomba.
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