Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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