Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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